DATE: Jun 03 2007, 1:40 am / MOOD: Dont know

This shit long but funny as hell


Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting. No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks." Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony. Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR

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DATE: May 31 2007, 4:23 pm / MOOD: Happy

Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid.


It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it.


You're a 90's kid if:


You can finish this [ice ice _ _ _ _ ]


You remember watching:
-Doug
-Ren & Stimpy
-Pinky and the Brain
-AAAAAAAH Real Monsters!
-Rockos modern Life.


You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"


You just cant resist finishing this . . . "Iiiiiiin west philidelphia born and raised . . ."


You remember:
-TGIF
-Step by Step
-Family Matters
-Dinosaurs
-Boy Meets World.


You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.


You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.


You remember reading "Goosebumps"


You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.


You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not


when everyhting was settled by:
-rock paper scissors or
-bubble gum bubble gum in a dish or
-daddy had a donkey inky binky bonky.


when cops and robbers was a daily activity.


when we played Hide and go seek until our legs grew numb.


when we used to obey our parents


You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time.


"Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?" was both a game and a TV game show.


Captain Planet. He's a Hero.


You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green ranger, were meant to be together. ♥♥♥


You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.


You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.


You remember watching Home Alone 1, 2 , and 3 . . . and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"


You remember watching:
-The Magic School Bus
-Wishbone
-Reading Rainbow on PBS.


You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.


You remember those Where's Waldo books.


You remember eating Warheads.


You remember watching:
-the 1st Batman
-Aladdin
-Ninja Turtles
-3 Ninjas movies.


You remember Ring Pops.


You remember drinking Surge, and Tang.


If you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"


When they made the new lunchables so that you could make pizza AND tacos.


You remember boom boxes vs. cd players.


Making those little paper fortune cookie things, and then predicting your life with them.


You played and/or collected "Pogs" :)


You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.


one word. . . Furbies.


You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.


And Windows 95 was the best.


You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers, and Ninja Turtles.


Michael Jordan was a king.


YIKES pencils and erasers were the stuff!


All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.


You remember when the new Beanie Babies and Talking Elmo were always sold out


You collected those Beanie Babies.


Carebears


Gak was the coolest stuff invented.


Lambchop's song never ended.


The old dollar bills.


Silver dollars, which were cool to have.


You remember a time before the WB.


You collected all the Troll dolls


If you even know what an original walkman is.


You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.


You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"


You know the Macarena by heart.


"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said


You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"


You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.


You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.


Before the MySpace frenzy . . .


Before the Internet & text messaging . . .


Before Sidekicks & iPods . . .


Before MIKE JONES . . .


Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX . . .


Before Spongebob . . .


Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.


When light up sneakers were cool.


When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.


When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.


When we recorded
stuff on VCRs.


When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off of our walkman.


When checking out drawing books and that one book about the rainbow fish from the library was THE cool thing to do.


You had slap bracelets!


Way back.


Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.


Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!

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